i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
