I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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