I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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