is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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