Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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