Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
