I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
