The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
