i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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