When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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