girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
