Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Randomize
