are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
