I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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