The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
