Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I had to cum in my sink.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
