Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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