why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Never underestimate the power of titties
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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