i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
