Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
