i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
