My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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