I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
