Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
