Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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