my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
