you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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