I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
