Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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