My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
