either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
