So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
