it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
