i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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