so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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