tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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