It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
