I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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