I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
