I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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