In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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