Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
