she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
