It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
