i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
