Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
