apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
