Apparently you make a good broom.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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