Pants 0. Shit 1.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
