life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
