every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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