Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
How external is "for external use only"?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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