If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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