I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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