his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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