Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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