life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
