my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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