I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
