My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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